12/4/2025

By Leon “Tex” McCoy

Deep in the heart of Israel’s most elaborate and expensive research facility, which we will call Black Mesa due to the fact I don’t speak Hebrew, Zionist scientists have worked their enslaved engineers to the bone developing time travel.

“It’s a modern miracle,” one scientist tells me. “With this portaly thing we will be able to travel back in time. We could do anything. Stop the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Stop Hitler…”

The scientist continues talking but I stop caring after a so many seconds, because outside the doors of Black Mesa, there’s a new story cooking, a different story.

Zionists, dressed in blonde wigs and blue peepers prepare to travel back in time to 1940. The reason? Well I don’t know, so, I asked them.

“We want to want to live in a world without all these damn brown people,” Samsonite Dolfberg tells me. “I mean, they keep me up at all hours with their ‘Alluha Akbar’ and their small rifle fire battering our city walls. I mean, the Zionist government does a great job keeping the pests away, and quiet, but then there’s the constant bombings. I mean, you’d think gas was cheaper.”

Turns out, it isn’t. But, thank Elohim, somehow, Time Travel is.

The first to enter the portal was 84 year old woman named Elanor Katz. Having just returned home from the year 1942, I interviewed her, asking a flurry of questions about life under the Third Reich.

“It’s a utopia,” she tells me. “Hitler’s removed all the Muslims, hajis, and brownies, and even some well-creamed coffee colored folks. All you hear is the sounds of marching boots-it’s just the best.”

As the interview ends, I can’t help but note her blonde wig is askew, and she keeps having to rub her blue-eyed contact lenses.

The story could end here, but as fate would have it, a large swath of folks arrived via the portal, returning from the year 1945.

One man, who was half-cooked and coughing up yellow gas, stopped to attempt an interview but promptly died while saying, “YEARGH-AH-YEESH.” Which I can only assume is Zionist Zombie for, “I had a great time. But I won’t be going back.”