December 6, 2025

By David Langstrom

Seasteading manmade floating islands in international waters, founding libertarian city-states in the desert, space as the final frontier, all of these would be enough to write about at length, and yet, Peter Thiel’s most notable obsession is the anti-christ.

Determined to find some shred of humanity in this otherwise inhuman husk, I set up an interview via my agent (who shall not be named) and was promptly abducted by masked men in well-tailored suits.

After being tossed from the back of a slow-moving van, I found myself outside the gates of one of Palantir’s (named for the stones in Tolkien’s Lord of the Ring trilogy that grant far-sight magic) most secret compounds. This begged the question, ‘why not just call a cab?’

I soon found that inept mysteries and absurd headliners are what Mister Reptile-I mean Thiel-is all about.

After much frisking, some light probing, and several high-tech scans of my body which caused my nose to bleed, I was finally granted entrance to the secret Palantir compound, where, fortuitously, an entire set, complete with cameras operated by lizard-like creatures and a green screen that would later portray a highrise in New York, sat ready and waiting.

“Good Eveningsss,” Mister Reptile-I mean-Thiel hissed.

As we shook hands, I couldn’t help but note his cold scaly skin, despite the fact he appeared remarkably human.

I told him it was a pleasure to meet him and sat down in the offered chair, the only chair available in a dark and seemingly endless expanse of concrete.

“I hope your ride wassssn’t too uncomfortable,” Mister Thiel hissed.

It was terrible, I tell him. But that was beside the point. I quickly peppered him with my best and most obvious question. “Are you a Reptilian sent from another planet to claim Earth for your people?”

Mister Thiel blinked at me. Twice. Once with his nictating membrane (I had to look that up) and again with his human eyelids.

“Whatever do you mean?”

I explained that many people, myself included, believed that he was a Reptilian from Alpha Draconis, a binary star system that is part of the constellation Draco.

Mister Thiel laughed.

I did not.

“You sssee, humans are such silly creatures,” he explained. “They’re simple-minded, and easy to manipulate because they have sssuch small skullsss.”

Obviously, this did nothing to assuage my fears. So, I changed tactics. I asked him about the anti-christ, a Christian conspiracy (but not to Christian) with which Mister Thiel is obsessed.

“Ahh, Greta Thunburgsss,” he hissed. “Yes, I believe Greta is building an army of young small-minds who are bent on cleaning up pollution and stopping wars…and saving whales,” he added with some disgust.

I asked why he disliked whales.

In response, he flicked out his tongue, plucking a fly from the air, then he hissed some words I couldn’t quite make out.

I pressed him, asking, “What’s so wrong with cleaning up pollution and stopping and wars and saving whales?”

Mister Thiel then explained something that left me profoundly perplexed and at a loss for words.

“Whale-iens,” he said.

It was my turn to blink.

“Whaliens from another galaxy are set to take over this planet if we’re not careful.”

‘Whaliens…ah, of course,’ I thought. Not knowing what a Whalien was or how to find one.

Mister Thiel then explained in excruciating detail how, he was the only one who could stop the Whaliens from taking over earth before they subdued the human race in order to experiment on our small lung capacity…and our small penises.

At this point, I was convinced. Peter Thiel couldn’t possibly be a Reptilian. Cannonically speaking, and biologically speaking, whales and reptiles do not congregate in the same waters.

After some cold coffee that tasted like medicine and a short thank you, I was promptly bagged and lost consciousness, only to arrive in the comfort of my hotel.

It felt a fever dream of an interview, but one thing became clear: Peter Thiel, is not, nor has he ever been, an alien reptile from another star system.

…It’s those damn Whaliens we need to be worried about.